Why Your Thoughts Are Ruining Your Marriage
The other day, my husband, Christian and I were enjoying a beautiful dinner on our terrace – perfect weather, great food, wine, right out of a magazine shot.
He was thanking me for all the work I had done in the garden and house lately because he is still limited by his broken knee.
We were both talking about how miraculous it was that we found each other at this stage in our lives, from different cultures – with an ocean between us. Seriously, it was picture perfect. He finished his thoughts with the comment – “and we haven’t had a disagreement in months…” uh oh…
The very next day, stressed about a big conference call with 47 people from all over the world (his job title is Operational Resilience Expert – yeah, don’t ask) he was also in physical pain with his knee – and let’s just say, a tad snappy, shall we?
I let the first three or four comments slide – I knew he had a lot on him.
Not to mention my son and future daughter-in-law are due here, so I have been on a house prep frenzy. Which is what started the downhill slide.
I was rocking along, until he said something about me and my expectations which didn’t go over well. Guess what happened – my brain started reaching back an hour earlier to the other less than “loving” comments he had made.
Before I knew it, I was stewing. Noticing my change in demeanor, he opened the door by saying “is something bothering you?”
So often as women, we live for moments like this because… you bet! Something was bothering me! And it was him!
I shared some of the things on my mind, honestly, with as little venom as possible. And he was totally surprised.
We were able to neutralize everything in a short time.
But here is the difference between this marriage and my last one.
Had this happened in my last marriage, same circumstances, same everything we would have gone into a cold war for days, or longer. He would have “left me alone to get over it” which I would have labeled as him not caring, and the residual fallout would have cut us both deeply.
Here’s why – I would have taken his comments to mean something about me. I would have become more defensive with each one. And, I would have considered that rational and justifiable thought.
I would have become a victim of what I imagined he was saying about me because I didn’t understand how my thoughts were creating my feelings. I would have felt disempowered – and helpless.
Fast forward. Although I did start down that familiar path. But when Christian asked me that question (in the way husbands do when they really don’t want to know, but feel they have to ask) it was a trigger for me to stop long enough to examine my thoughts and ask myself this question – What was I making his comments mean about me?
I couldn’t do that 10 years ago. That is the power of coaching. That is the power of learning to manage your thoughts. That’s what the women I work with are doing to change their lives.
Like this beautiful email I received this morning:
“Thank you does not seem adequate… Lots of good things would not have happened without our session today.”
And that lovely one, is my wish for you – LOT’S OF GOOD THINGS.
It’s work, uncovering your thoughts and being willing to examine them, without judging yourself, or blaming him. It also takes courage – and help. I wouldn’t be able to do it without help to see what my blind spots are. You need help to uncover yours too.
If you are worn out – tired of feeling like your life is beyond your control, let me show you how to become empowered.
Join my membership community, Marriage Myth Transcendent. I’m even offering a 30-Day free trial membership right now! It’s a community I created to help women become empowered. You can focus the attention on yourself. Your dreams. Your desires. Your thoughts. Your empowerment! Get the deets here and join today!