Why We Stay In Unhappy Marriages

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As you know, if you’ve followed me in for a while, I followed my dream to live in Paris for a year and learn French.

A year has turned into two-and-a-half and still don’t speak French!

I speak enough to get by, but not to have a conversation. 

When I put “practice French” in my calendar my brain starts reeling with all the reasons it won’t stick, so why bother. After a couple of years, my brain has gotten really good at justifying my lack of practice. Thank you, marvelous brain. (That was my sarcasm font!)

Yes, there are a hundred excuses, but the most important one is this; my brain is convinced it is not safe. 

Crazy I know, but that is how changing our thoughts works. I don’t want to learn French badly enough to fight my brain. 

To become fluent means, I have to change my thoughts about the possibility that I could actually become fluent in French. My brain is sure that reaching for the possibility is more painful than not speaking French.

That is exactly what happens in our marriages.

We can tolerate them most of the time. 

Not flourish in them, not enjoy them or our husband, but we can live with it. Your brain has spent years accumulating evidence to support that belief. 

It tells you that you don’t know what you want, so you need to stay unhappy until you figure it out.

Every once in a while, something happens that makes the pain more acute. For me that means having house guests that don’t speak English, trying to purchase something or have my hair cut and not being able to explain what I want.

For you, a holiday may trigger that pain, or an argument, or exhaustion, and you vow that you won’t live this way anymore. But then your brain goes, “now, let’s not be hasty.”

As soon as the moment passes, your brain soothes you back into not taking action.

That is how thought work changes (or doesn’t change) your life. Deciding who is going to win. The part of your brain that tells you It is easier to stay in pain (or live in a country where you don’t speak the language) than it is to do the work. Or, the part that is longing for something new?

It all boils down to changing your mind. So simple and yet here we are. 

What if you started with something small like a live 30-minute class or group coaching call every Wednesday at noon eastern? That doesn’t sound too painful, does it? 

Let’s see – hmmm -  pain, confusion, exhaustion or 30 minutes a week. 

I am inviting you to choose to do the work. To change your thoughts. To choose you. 

Thirty-minutes a week. And I’ve got an easy way for you to do it. Join me and a group of women who are choosing themselves. They are in my new membership community I call, Marriage Myth Transcendent. 

I teach a weekly glass and provide additional resources for the community. I’ve had a small group of women ‘test-driving’ the system and I’m about ready to launch it out into the world, so stay tuned for your opportunity to join us. 

It’s time to transcend all the myths we believed about our marriages and focus on our own desires, truth and dreams. 

Watch your inbox for more about Marriage Myth Transcendent. 

Me, I’m off to practice my French.

KbH