What Do You Most Long To Hear?
Today I have been at my computer for hours.
My hope was to inspire you to lean in, stand tall and fight for yourself, invest your beautiful heart in you.
But the words hover somewhere between stupid and boring. So, I’m just going to speak from my heart.
Sometimes doing the next thing, giving up on him and carving out time or energy, just for you, feels like it will create the separation you fear. Sometimes just thinking about focusing on you, not your husband or family feels like the scariest thing in the world. (Will it mean everything...your dream/life/relationship is over?)
We married because we believed it would bring us love and joy- and it can. But here’s what no one ever tells you: marriage was never designed to give us self-love or validate our self-worth. That is something, fairest one, only you can bring to the table.
What does that mean exactly?
Your husband will never master mindreading (and hey, really, aren’t we glad he won’t?). And even if you dig deep, risk vulnerability and tell him what you need in the plainest possible terms, it does not mean he will (or can) understand you.
Or that he will respond favorably.
Have you ever used a pressure cooker? If so, you know that all it takes to release the steam is to remove the small steam gauge on the lid.
Conversely, ever noticed what happens if you try to take the lid off a pressure cooker without removing the steam first? It isn’t pretty.
When we try to talk to our husbands about why we are so unhappy, because as women conversation is how we build relationships, it is sort of like trying to take the lid off a pressure cooker when you haven’t released the steam. Guys just aren’t wired to handle our emotional distress through confrontational conversation.
Taking the focus (your thoughts) off your husband and your marriage, however, is like letting all the steam out.
I am sorry to tell you lovely, but nothing we say or do can actually change anyone else, impact and influence, yes.
Change comes from within. But, it’s believing the lie, that if we just say it the right way, or are “________enough”, that he will change. Believing that convinces us that we should be more understanding, or learn how to say what we want “better.”
The simple truth is we are the only ones we can change. But there is magic when we do. And it spills out everywhere. When we are so in tune with ourselves we don’t look to our husbands or marriages to validate our worth, we become a powerful force for universal change.
If you have lost you in the pursuit of your relationship, take the pressure off.
Come back home.
Here’s a link to talk about how you do that. A free 30 minute, no obligation journey back to you.