I Tried to Be Perfectly Nice for 60 Years. I Just Quit.


Tomorrow I will be 60. It feels daunting to me. And today I realized why. I have worked with dozens of women in various stages of marital discord. And it has taken me almost 60 years to realize one of the biggest problems or disconnects in marriage is the concept of being “nice.”

We have to stop trying to be “nice” if we want to be honest. Being nice means saying yes to things we don’t want to do or don’t like. It is not at all the same thing as being compassionate, or selfless. Being nice is subtle little way of manipulation.

We think if we are nice enough, we will get what we deserve, what we want, what we desperately need.

Being nice gets us into superficial relationships, in more than our marriages. Being nice not only hurts us, but those we love. When we are being nice, we don’t complain, speak up, cry out, ask for help, invest in ourselves.

The saddest part of it all, is that we don’t even know this is what we are doing.

That is what I just realized.

Because being nice isn’t just something we do in our marriage. It is something we interweave into every aspect of our lives. And then we are confused, disappointed and frustrated when being nice doesn’t pay off.

Being nice and giving away the best parts of us never serves us, because the belief that we have to be nice drives us from a place of fear, not compassion or strength.

You cannot control your husband, no matter how nice you are to him. It won’t matter how many different ways you try to be nice to get what you want, how differently you phrase it, what words you use.

You are worthy of being loved – period. If he can’t see that, you can’t “nice” it into him.
BUT you can show him your value. You can teach him how to love you. You can be heard and seen.

To show you how to do that, for the month of September, I am offering a free 30 minute consult to listen to where you are and help you see any areas where you might be too nice for your own good.

Note: I will tell you how I can help you, if I can. If I can’t, I will tell you that as well. I will be honest and compassionate and kind. But I won’t be nice in a way that won’t help you lovely one.

Because if you are here, and you are still reading this, nice has already cost you a lot.

As I approach 60, I can see the finite limitations of my one wild and precious life. Neither of us has one more second to waste on things that are not working.

Being nice is probably one of them.

Please also note – September is the last month I am offering a 30-minute free consult. I won’t open my calendar for 30-minute calls again until January.

So, if getting unstuck, unhappy and uninspired is important to you – take advantage of this gift.

Don’t be afraid.

It is a safe time to ditch over niceness.

Kimberly Benjamin Houdebine