Is Your Marriage "Fine"?
Is your marriage “fine”?
One of my favorite movies defined “fine,” as freaked out, insecure, neurotic and emotional. I love this definition. It is honest and real – which is not at all how we use the word.
Fine is what we say to people when they ask how we are and we don’t feel safe going into the long version. Would they really want to know? Or care? We wonder. We conclude the answer is no, so we hide behind the practiced smile and tell them we are fine.
Fine is what we say to our husbands when we have given up on communication, connection, and intimacy.
Fine is the armor we wear to block deeper conversation because we don’t want to admit we are anything but fine, especially to ourselves. Fine allows us to shut down, numb out, delude the world, or pretend for the sake of the kids. Fine is a fortress we can take shelter in. Fine is socially acceptable.
We say we are fine because pushing for real connection and joy might unbalance the system - so we cling to the world of fine.
I have had many an amazing client working so hard to convince ‘her beautiful self’ she was fine. She reasoned she and her husband didn’t fight. They shared friends, family and history, a social calendar and a bed – even though the passion left the bedroom some time ago.
All marriages have rough spots, right? They ask. I mean, no one is perfect. If we can just hang in there long enough, all will work out well.
This is what one client said to me, “I didn’t know what was missing. I just felt empty. You helped me turn my life around.”
Yes, marriage can be challenging. No, no one is perfect. But if you feel you are quietly and desperately hiding behind a fine existence –just know that you don’t have to.
There are so many ways you can write your fine self into a truly joyful life. You don’t have to settle, or leave.
If you would like to trade fine for joy, here’s a link for a free consultation.