Step 2 to the Life You Long to Live

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We started a series on Sunday – four steps to discovery and clarity about your marriage. Four easy tests you can take to move towards the decision you have been going back and forth on for far too long now – should I stay, or should I go.

If you missed step one or got busy and didn’t have time to do it, check it out here.

Today, we will go on to step two.

How do you react to loss? I know. It’s a hard question but stay with me. There’s a big pay-off!

In 2008 I lost my mom. Even though I knew it was coming, I fought it with everything in me, like trying to hold your hand up to stop a tidal wave. With the same success rate.

Her death naturally impacted my life the way that deep pain does. I was immobilized with grief, then too busy to feel anything because of the busy work, and finally when everyone’s life was supposed to return to normal and all was quiet, I was alone and afraid. Afraid that I was traveling down the same road she did. So, after 18 years, feeling hopeless, I divorced my husband. Not on a whim, but definitely out of fear – fear created by my sense of loss.

Fear pushed me into action.

That is todays challenge to clarity. Drilling down to the reason you have either disengaged in your marriage, dream of another life, or are moving toward divorce.

With a sheet of paper and pen, create a time line beginning with when you met your husband, when you got engaged, married, had children, decided it was over – any milestones that stands out. Put in your age and the date, continuing to the present.

Now, step back from your life as if you were watching someone else’s life. See if you can just become curious and scan the years to pinpoint the time you first sensed a loss of connection.

Then answer these questions from the position of an observer:

  • At what point did the woman you are observing decide there was nothing left in the marriage?

  • Was there a catalyst?

  • What were the thoughts she was thinking that made her give up?

  • What feelings came up when she had these thoughts?

  • How did she react, based on those feelings?

  • What thoughts–despite the belief the marriage is over – are keeping her where she is now?


Often, we disconnect because we have thoughts that lead us to experience a sense of loss.

As a result of that feeling, we retreat or protect our heart to avoid future disappointment or pain. Sometimes there is a catalyst that finally sends us into action. Sometimes it is just a slow deterioration. But it always begins with a thought. That thought grows as we focus on it.

Every marriage has struggles. Some are not meant to last. But if you are wanting to discover whether yours has a chance, find out what thoughts you are thinking that tell you it doesn’t and see if they are true.

I won’t say this is an easy exercise. And it is especially hard to do alone, but it is a sure step toward clarity.

If you need help uncovering those beliefs that have you convinced your marriage is dead, join our membership program, Marriage Myths Transcendent. It’s a beautiful space to connect and learn with women, just like you, who are creating clarity in their marriage and most importantly, in their relationship to themselves!

For a limited time, I am offering a bonus! When you join Marriage Myths Transcendent, before August 20th, I will give you a free 45 minute one on one planning call! Take advantage of this opportunity and put the confusion demons to rest once and for all. Just click here to find out more and join, Marriage Myths Transcendent and in your welcome email you’ll get a link to book your free call, plus add one-on-one coaching sessions at a “members only” price!

You don’t have to do it alone. We can find your answers together. <3

KbH