Handling The Discomfort of Disappointment


Handling The Discomfort of Disappointment

This week I'm focusing in my Facebook group about our emotions, what they are – vibrations in our bodies; and how important it is to truly allow them. Allowing them means feeling them, not just giving lip service to our inability to handle them.

Feelings, or emotions, are not the same as sensations like cold or true hunger.

We don’t have to go back to childhood to understand why we react to the fear of abandonment or rejection.

I grew up a child of divorce. My dad was transferred 5 hours away. He remarried when I was 6; to a wonderful woman who became my second mother. I love her and my half brother and sister. I adored my dad. But the impact of losing him in my day to day life created a lot of anxiety for a confused three-year-old.

I didn’t fully understand this until I was an adult, visiting the first of 12 counselors because of the difficulties in my marriage.

It was helpful, yes. And at the time I thought I had finally figured out the answers and would be able to apply my new knowledge to my marital challenges.

I was wrong. And so are you if you think that just knowing something will make a difference, sorry to be the one to break it to you. But that is just the truth.

Knowing why something happened gives us momentary peace. And for a while it instills a sense of confidence that we can handle something. But it doesn’t give us the tools to handle it. It doesn’t give us anything to use in our current life, or the life we want to live. It just tells us what happened in the past, which is not something we can change, or control.

If you want to learn how to move forward, out of pain, out of confusion and darkness, you need help. You need tools. You need things that you can control. And that is you.

There have been countless studies that state that our emotions come in waves. The good news is the waves only last 90 seconds. The bad news is, before we know that, we are so afraid of being swallowed up by them, that we jump to anything that will make it stop.

And that dear ones is how we actually perpetuate the very pain we are seeking to avoid.

If you want to stop the pain, learn how to sit with your feelings for 90 seconds – before doing anything. Once you take a deep breath, locate the sensation and allow yourself to feel it, you have changed a long-standing habit that has not served you to date.

That is a huge victory. HUGE.

So, I want to challenge you again. For the next three days, minimum, and longer is better, every time you head to the pantry when you aren’t hungry, or reach for the wine, or think about going shopping, or do anything on an impulse, stop and see if you can identify what you feel that is making you want to run.

See where it is in your body, how it physically feels. And then, time willing (and I HIGHLY, HIGHLY RECOMMEND THIS) write for 5 minutes what you felt. Describe it as if you were talking to an alien. Be very descriptive. Describe the feeling, label it – fear, sadness, anxiety, anger – and then note the vibration.

I'd love to hear how this helped you!