Don’t Give Up. Don’t Let Fear Win.
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Don’t give up. Don’t let fear win

 I work with some of the most amazing women. I received an email today from one of them, sharing a major epiphany she had because of the work we have been doing together. 

Another client emailed me last week after our call (in which she shared some deeply intimate and painful information she had never shared before). She is finally beginning to shake off years of darkness because of it.

It gives me such immense joy to hear these women, to watch them bloom and grow and create the lives they want to live.

But, it is only possible because they are doing it. They are doing the work required to make that happen. I am helping them find their truth, face their shadows and see how strong and brave and beautiful they are. BUT THEY ARE DOING THE WORK.

I talk to so many women in pain. I have never had a Discovery Call with a woman who didn’t break down in tears. Some of them I have to let go of, because despite the darkness of their situations, they aren’t ready.

It is painful to witness because it could be so different for them.

But I have realized, after years of coaching – and my own personal journey – change happens when the pain becomes greater than the challenge and fear of change. There is no magic bullet. And sadly, lovely ones, there is no short cut. It took you a lifetime to get where you are now. Becoming a new person is about changing your beliefs, that takes time. And it requires help.

You can long for a different life, visualize, write affirmations, read books, but unless you have an objective person to help you see  your blind spots, help you cultivate self-love, and support you while you change– it won’t work. It’s like doing the same thing but wearing a different dress.

When you can show up for a one-hour call weekly (even bi- weekly), do an hour’s worth of written work per week – spend as little as five minutes a day practicing and $5 to $15/day to get help – you can change your life. It really is that simple. I didn’t say easy. I said simple.

I promise you this, when you show up, choose yourself, change your life and step into the beautiful, empowered woman you truly are, the work is all worth it.

Let’s get started. Book your 15-minute Discovery Call here and we’ll explore how our working together and get you the life you want.

KbH
Is Your Life Picture Perfect?
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I ask the women I talk with every day if they know what they really want, or just what they don’t want. I have discovered that many of us, when asked, can’t name 10 things we specifically want.

We speak in generalities, like happy, or healthy, or happily married, having a good job, etc.

But if I ask for 10 things they don’t want, they can get very specific!

Sometimes we want what we think we should want, like baking bread from scratch (because that would mean we were a good mother), or running a Fortune 500 company (because that would mean we are successful).

But when we get into the specifics of those things, it isn’t anything we want to do on a daily basis.  

We love the idea because it seems like a postcard. But we aren’t drawn to the reality of it because it isn’t how we are wired.

As a result, we never get specific about what we really want, because the image creates the thought that we are inadequate. Have you ever felt that way?

“Picture perfect” doesn’t work in real life because we have no idea where to start. Just like when I tell women they can change their lives, it sounds overwhelming, so often they opt to just endure.

Today, I want to tell you about a different way. 

The brain is a magnificent, indescribable wonder. It is so complex and capable that if we repeat certain thoughts or actions, it encodes them for future use. For example, do you give your body specific instructions for every action you take, like picking something up, walking, typing?

No.

Your brain learned these things through repetition. Now, it knows what to do without you telling it.

And this is great news. Imagine if we had to say - lift right arm 36” to counter height, bend elbow, flex fingers, wrap fingers around glass. Flex elbow 120 degrees, raise arm, bring glass to lips, part lips, tilt arm into forward flexion, tilt glass until water enters mouth just to drink a glass of water …

Exhausting!  We’d probably never get out of bed.

But there is a danger to letting the brain do what it does, unchecked. We assume that along with the vital information it conducts on a regular basis, it is giving us important and relevant thoughts for our well-being. 

When in reality, left unchecked, our thoughts are more often concerned with what our husband meant by the snide comment at dinner. That’s when we go tumbling into “what if’s” projecting ourselves into possible future scenarios (that are not typically favorable). Or climbing down the rabbit hole of “if only” in past tense.

Again, not usually about happy memories. 

No wonder we end up in a cycle of confusion, and negative emotions. If we want to change our lives, we start with the simple things, our thoughts.

And it is not as complicated or painful as we may secretly fear. I sent you a love note a few days ago that will help you begin that process. If you didn’t catch it, I am sending it to you again here.

AND, AND – a fun, short quiz to determine your love essence.

What’s that? Well it is a way to determine how we most instinctively give and receive love – which makes it much easier to discover what we really, really, secretly WANT!

Take the quiz here, then give me your seven answers and I’ll email you your results. It’s that easy.

If you haven’t already, I’d love you to join our private FB Group – The Marriage Myth  then you could PM me your answers and I’ll message you back with your results.

I can’t wait to get your answers to the quiz!

Bisous,

 Kim

 

KbH
I Married The Wrong Man - Twice
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It’s true, and it’s not so true. But I was utterly convinced of its validity. And that became my story. The sad part is the anger, frustration and wasted years I spent trying to prove to my husband that we could make it work, even though we were mismatched, if we only worked together on it.

Well, I worked on it, and he tried in his own way, he really did. But because I was so tied into that myth, the only thing I was working on – unbeknownst to me – was proving something to him. I was wrapped up in thoughts about how different we were and how he was not capable of giving me the things I desperately wanted and needed.

If you happen to be any one of the three archetypes in the Free Spirit Essence, this marriage myth is a particularly prickly one for you. The longing for a rich, VARIED, connected and deeply satisfying life is as instinctive for you as it is for the Mississippi River to flow to the Gulf of Mexico. And - if he doesn’t share your vision, your yearnings can drive the power of this myth until it becomes a belief, like it did for me. But don’t do what I did - before you jump ship – because all you know  is that  you want more than what you have now - spend some time getting to know you; where you really want to go, what you truly most long to do, how you most want to be connected and what that means for you.

I can help you do that.

One of the easiest ways to start your marriage myth-busting process is to join my Marriage Myths Transcendent Community. You can find out more and join here.  For only $74/mo. you can join and engage with an intimate group of sublime women, who support, share and nurture each other. We meet every Wednesday for 30 minutes live. The connection alone is worth it, but I wanted to add more.

It’s time to bust through those myths and give yourself the life you’ve imagined. Join the Marriage Myth Transcendent and get your free gift, “Five Steps to Rediscovering You.”

Don’t let the myths surrounding marriage steal your joy.

KbH
If Only He Would...
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Have you ever had that thought? If only my husband (or lover, partner, etc.) would... 

You can fill in the blank with anything – hold me, make love to me, help me with the chores, listen to me, be a better father, pay attention, and so forth and so on. 

What it means is… if only he would… then I could be happy.

We don’t realize that is what we are saying, but it is.

We are buying into my favorite marriage myth. We believe that our happiness, or unhappiness is something he could fix, if only he would.

It’s the classic “raised on Cinderella” mindset. We find prince charming (that’s supposed to be the hard part) and then he becomes responsible for our happiness.

Ironically, men are wired to consider our happiness as a feather in their cap, it sort of works, in the short term. Because, believe it or not, most of them really DO want to make us happy.

But it is all a myth. They can make us happy.

They don’t have the power to make us happy.

Only we have that power.

So, if you want to know how to take it back, right where you are, right now, you need to jump into the Marriage Myth Membership community. This month we are tackling what I call the “Five Biggest Marriage Destroying Myths.”

If you want to know why you feel so powerless, confused, frustrated, lonely or hopeless, you’ll get the answers this month in the membership community. The $74 investment is a small price to pay for that sort of liberation!

You’ll get answers that will empower you and connect you to the wisest part of yourself that knows exactly what you need for a life of deep happiness, joy and love. There are two live classes, two group coaching sessions + 50+pages of written material covering the myths and our theme for the month. Each month, we focus on a different theme, so it’s always at your side, cheering you on.

Please join me and the beautiful women choosing to empower themselves in The Marriage Myth Transcendent membership community. Get the deets and join www.

Come on gorgeous – you can do this - uncover your magic. And then slay those myths once and for all – reclaim your heart and your power – and truly, truly live a joyful life. Join us in The Marriage Myth Transcendent.

KbH
Free Is Fun!
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Free is fun!

Free and new make it double fun – here it is!!!  Woo hoo – pop the cork! It’s champagne time.

A bit of back story

I have been working on a membership site for over a year now. I know that all of us can use a hand sometimes.

You know how it is. We have good intentions, then life happens. We get back on track, then life happens again. We start over and life happens again.   

I talk with women in pain, every day. Sometimes they really want to change, they need help, but financially they are strapped. Sometimes they simply weren’t able to keep the momentum going on their own. I understand that! I wanted everyone to get what they needed. Something that would encourage and support these brilliant women that was also affordable and accessible.  

A membership site seemed so perfect!

And tthhheeennnn…….

I got married, which created a desire to change my business name, which led to a new website, which became a colossal challenge (understatement).

We moved from Paris to Orléans – magnifique! But you know, it’s still a moving process …

I was working on a tedious process to get a French resident’s card which had me pond hopping every three months (US to France and back) for almost a year. I wanted to share daily tips and announce the new site(s), so I started working on a podcast –

And then in January, in a strange twist of fate, my poor husband broke his knee just like I had four years ago.

All that Life Stuff we drown in.

Soooo, as a way to say thank you for hanging in there, for not giving up hope that there is help out there somewhere, for continuing to look and be patient…

I want to give you a gift.

The membership site is a live class or group coaching session every week (recorded for your convenience), written material to work through, and access to a library of years of archived material.

It has been created with the sole purpose that no woman has to be alone, in pain, confused about her next step.

And guess what!!! (free part!!!) If you join now, I will give you the first month FREE!

You will find the group a safe place, to share your heart, questions, hopes and dreams; a place to gather strength, encouragement, direction and confidence.

Join us now. Don’t let life get in the way.  

KbH
Did Curiosity Really Kill The Cat?
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I’ve been using archetypes with the beautiful women I have the pleasure of coaching to make sense out of why we like the things we like; want the things we want and love the way we do.

I hate to see women struggling with their identity in marriage and relationship.

It often means they judge themselves unkindly.

I love coaching women to embrace curiosity.

Curiosity is magic.

In the spirit of curiosity, we can go deeper.

When we become curious, not just about what we are innately drawn to, but what our thoughts are, and about ourselves, it’s as if we have opened a magical door.

Shame, regret, remorse, guilt and fear are telltale signs that we have hidden beliefs dragging us down into an abyss.

Learning more about what drives us, how our feminine archetype, or essence, operates in love, allows us to break-through confusion. When we can see that wanting what we want is not selfish and doesn’t have to be self-destructive, we are liberated from so many self-deprecating thoughts.

Using that knowledge to discern how we bring enchantment into our lives and what we need from love, gives us a foundation for exploring the best way to create a life that sets our soul on fire.

We are all uniquely created to do things in this world that only we can do. If we don’t do them, if we don’t use our gifts, skills and hard learned wisdom, it will be lost. Sure, the world will keep spinning, but it will be less brilliant without the light you can bring.

This is not to heap more guilt on you. You can’t pour from an empty cup. But you can invest in you and discover that you have so much more strength and power than you believe you do at this moment.

I’ve got two easy ways for you to discover and unleash that power.

First, take the “Discover Your Magic” archetype quiz. Just click this link to access the quiz. There are six fun, easy questions. Don’t over-think it, go with your gut. Then hit reply and email me the numeric response to each of the six questions. I’ll email you back with what your archetype is and give you some fun information about it. If you’re anything like me, you’ll say, “Oh my! This makes so many things make sense!”

Then, join my monthly membership program – Marriage Myths Transcendent. I’m even offering a 30-day FREE trial. You’ll find a group of women just like you – who once thought there was no way for them to be happy, to live boldly and joyfully – until they learned more about themselves and how to release their essence and live a life that sets their soul on fire.

Take the quiz, join the membership program. Don’t wait, don’t second guess yourself, don’t rationalize, don’t buy another book, or join another group just because it is free - don’t keep doing the same things you have been doing that got you to this place. Do something new.

Do You.  The magical you.

KbH
How to “Unsubscribe” from an Unhappy Marriage
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I work with women in a world of pain in their marriages. That’s why I am willing to bend over backwards to support them. But it took me several years to fully understand that I can’t do the work for them. 

I have taken calls at 11pm and 6am when I thought it was truly necessary. I’ve taught free classes at 1 am. I spend as much time after sessions doing session summaries with additional coaching insight, suggestions and homework as I do in the actual session.

I offer free consultation calls. I don’t like to see amazing, wonderful women in a lonely, dark place. It is why I do what I do.

But I can work till I am blue in the face, pour out everything I am, everything I have – it won’t work unless you work as hard for you as I do.

I was stood up for a free consultation call. Why? Probably because to the person who booked it, with absolutely no obligation, suddenly doubted herself, or questioned if she was ready, and didn’t feel obliged to show up.

That is what happens when we bounce from idea to idea, book to book, listening to everyone we can – with no investment of our own – we aren’t obliged to change our lives.

I feel connected to every woman I speak with, like it is my job to make sure they get the help they need. But it’s not. It pains me to say that, but it’s your job. I just meet you there with the information and support you need to make it happen.

If you can’t show up for yourself for a free call, it is going to be really, really hard to get out of pain.

I wish I could sugar coat that a bit, because I hear that you are hurting. But if you want to stop hurting, you have to show up for yourself.

You have to book the call, you have to show up for the call and then yes, you have to invest in changing your life, mentally, physically, with your time, your energy and your money.

Because until you invest in you, no one else will.  You must, lovely one, want to be joyful, more than you want to be where you are now. It’s hard. I get it.

My advice. Don’t book a call until you’re ready. It’s okay if you aren’t ready, don’t let that make you feel like a failure, but you need to know that – for you – not me –I can’t help you unless you are ready to do the work. No one can.

If you’re ready… I can’t wait to talk! We can magical things together! Book it here.

With lots of love - Bisous

KbH
Is It Time To Leave? Here's How You Know
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I just had a woman ask me that oh so familiar question.

If you have been unhappy for a year or longer, it may not be time to leave, but it is definitely time to  take some steps toward an answer.

If I had a dime for every woman I talked to who is unhappy in her marriage, I would be spending all my time in the garden. I talk to women every week, with painful stories that hurt my heart. But when I ask them when they want to start changing their situation, they give me a million reasons that this isn’t the right time. Don’t get me wrong, they are very good reasons.

They are working non-stop. They have small children and do 90% of the childcare, (and are working non-stop). They are strapped financially. They have kids and don’t want to wreck their family. They are afraid I will tell them they have to leave their husband; or conversely that I will tell them they have to stay. They just want him to listen to them, hear them, love them.

Some of these women I check in with from time to time because the pain was so real when we talked they could barely stop crying. I can’t help but think about them, so I check in, truly hoping, for their sake, things have gotten better.

But they are still waiting. Waiting on the time to be right. Waiting for there to be less pressure. Waiting on their finances to get better, kids to graduate, or go to college, or elementary school, or their husband to finally hear them. Waiting on some divine sign to show them what to do.

Here is the truth – it may sting a little – Nothing will change.

A year from now – five years from now – ten.

You will still be in the same place doing the same thing in the same amount of pain.

If you continue pouring everything you have into an unhappy life - hoping and praying that one day your husband will wake up and see the wonder that you are. He won’t. He just won’t.

That would be like me just gazing out at my window at the garden because I don’t have the time, energy or resources to work on it and expecting to see  nothing but beautiful flowers. It just won’t happen. It can’t. I am so sorry.

It’s not fair,  I get that.  You have given so much. I hear you. But  as unfair as it is, being angry about it won’t change a thing. Waiting on him, or the world to change won’t do it either. You are the only one who can make you happy.

How?, By figuring out what you really want, that is within your control, and taking steps toward it. I can show you how to do that. I’ve done it. I’ve helped other women do it too. It’s possible.

It’s spring – aren’t you ready to bloom my lovely one? 

If you are tired of waiting, then stop. Let’s talk about some things  you can do right now.

 

KbH
My Husband Said He Could Replace me for $35,000!
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What if your husband told you he could replace you for $35,000?

That happened to me. Or rather, what he actually said was that he could replace "what I did" for $35,000/year. But that wasn't what I heard of course.

I took it to heart, and sadly it became one of the main themes of our marriage. Without realizing it, I spent the next 10 years trying to prove him wrong.

I wanted his time and attention. I wanted to know I was precious to him, irreplaceable. I wanted his support and help.

The truth was that I was irreplaceable to him, he just didn't know how to show it, or tell me.

So, I held onto a false belief that created a shell around my heart.

I didn't understand that trying to be Martha Stewart and June Cleaver combined was not only boring but exhausting.

If I had known then what I know now, his words might not have taken root.

If I had been more aware of my own value, and better equipped to ask for what I needed with reasonable expectations that would be met, I might have laughed or walked away smiling and shaking my head at such an immature concept (Replace me? In your dreams.)

This is not to excuse his remark, because it was unkind and unnecessary.

When one or both partners in a marriage don't feel loved, we fight over small things.

It is far less risky to get angry because our husband neglects the chores around the house than it is to be vulnerable and ask for what we truly need.

If it feels like nothing is working, and you can't keep going like you are - don't

Don't stay confused.

Don't stay in pain.

Don't allow words that are simply his defense mechanism to devalue who you are.

Don't accept them at all.

Want to know how to stop accepting less than you long for?

Join my membership community, Marriage Myth Transcendent. I'm even offering a 30-Day free trial membership right now! It's a community I created to help women become empowered. You can focus the attention on yourself. Your dreams. Your desires. Your thoughts. Your empowerment! Get the deets here and join today!

It's time to get out of pain and confusion.

KbH
Why Is It So Hard To Change?
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People who have never experienced coaching, often think it is like every other thing they have tried. They tell themselves it won’t work before they even get started.

Guess what, that is a perfect example of how hard your brain is working to keep you “safe” – even in situations that cause you pain and discomfort. It’s also what may be keeping you stuck in a miserable marriage.

Your thoughts (approximately 60,000 per day) are what create the life you are now living. If you want that life to change, it’s as simple as changing your thoughts. That’s hard, but simple.

The really, really hard part is trying to do it alone.

Here’s why – of those thousands of thoughts we have per day – only a portion come to our conscious mind. Our marvelous brains filter them according to what it thinks we most need to pay attention to.

Can’t you just see a bunch of cartoon characters running around inside our head saying, “Here, here’s a good one, keep this one” or “Nope, that is new, has to be bad. Quick, chunk it before she sees it.”

Let me give you a more concrete example to illustrate. Say you are thinking of buying a car. You’ve narrowed it down to one brand, model, etc. Suddenly you see this car everywhere. Wow, you think, this must be a good choice.

The thing is, there are not suddenly more Iridescent pearl Lexus SUV’s in your world than there were before. The difference is that your brain picked up on the fact that you have entertained these thoughts, by choice, repeatedly. You aren’t seeing more cars. You are simply noticing them.

The same thing happens in your marriage. If you are unhappy, you have spent years accumulating data about it. And your brain has been helping you. Just like it brought your attention to the cars, it is pointing out, loudly, in neon chartreuse all the reasons you should be unhappy.

If you’re unsure, take this challenge. I want to invite you to try something new and see what happens.

I’ve got two awesome things. First, join my free Facebook Group, Undone Women and be a part of the conversation.

Then join my private membership group, Marriage Myth Transcendent. This is a kick butt group of women who are changing their lives one thought at a time (It’s only $74/month for weekly classes and written work, plus Facebook lives. And right now, I’m offering one month FREE for a limited time!).

Because the flip side to change is that we can’t recognize our own sneaky little destructive thoughts without help.

KbH
Why Your Thoughts Are Ruining Your Marriage
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The other day, my husband, Christian and I were enjoying a beautiful dinner on our terrace – perfect weather, great food, wine, right out of a magazine shot.

He was thanking me for all the work I had done in the garden and house lately because he is still limited by his broken knee.

We were both talking about how miraculous it was that we found each other at this stage in our lives, from different cultures – with an ocean between us. Seriously, it was picture perfect. He finished his thoughts with the comment – “and we haven’t had a disagreement in months…” uh oh…

The very next day, stressed about a big conference call with 47 people from all over the world (his job title is Operational Resilience Expert – yeah, don’t ask) he was also in physical pain with his knee – and let’s just say, a tad snappy, shall we?

I let the first three or four comments slide – I knew he had a lot on him.

Not to mention my son and future daughter-in-law are due here, so I have been on a house prep frenzy. Which is what started the downhill slide.

I was rocking along, until he said something about me and my expectations which didn’t go over well. Guess what happened – my brain started reaching back an hour earlier to the other less than “loving” comments he had made.

Before I knew it, I was stewing. Noticing my change in demeanor, he opened the door by saying “is something bothering you?”

So often as women, we live for moments like this because… you bet! Something was bothering me!  And it was him!

I shared some of the things on my mind, honestly, with as little venom as possible. And he was totally surprised.

We were able to neutralize everything in a short time.

But here is the difference between this marriage and my last one.

Had this happened in my last marriage, same circumstances, same everything we would have gone into a cold war for days, or longer. He would have “left me alone to get over it” which I would have labeled as him not caring, and the residual fallout would have cut us both deeply.

Here’s why – I would have taken his comments to mean something about me. I would have become more defensive with each one. And, I would have considered that rational and justifiable thought.

I would have become a victim of what I imagined he was saying about me because I didn’t understand how my thoughts were creating my feelings. I would have felt disempowered – and helpless.

Fast forward. Although I did start down that familiar path. But when Christian asked me that question (in the way husbands do when they really don’t want to know, but feel they have to ask) it was a trigger for me to stop long enough to examine my thoughts and ask myself this question – What was I making his comments mean about me?

I couldn’t do that 10 years ago. That is the power of coaching. That is the power of learning to manage your thoughts. That’s what the women I work with are doing to change their lives.

Like this beautiful email I received this morning:

“Thank you does not seem adequate… Lots of good things would not have happened without our session today.”

And that lovely one, is my wish for you – LOT’S OF GOOD THINGS.

It’s work, uncovering your thoughts and being willing to examine them, without judging yourself, or blaming him. It also takes courage – and help. I wouldn’t be able to do it without help to see what my blind spots are. You need help to uncover yours too.

If you are worn out – tired of feeling like your life is beyond your control, let me show you how to become empowered.

Join my membership community, Marriage Myth Transcendent. I’m even offering a 30-Day free trial membership right now! It’s a community I created to help women become empowered. You can focus the attention on yourself. Your dreams. Your desires. Your thoughts. Your empowerment! Get the deets here and join today!

 

KbH
I’M SOOOOOO EXCITED!
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Way back in what seems like another lifetime, I got this crazy notion that if I created a membership program, I could do live classes every week with written material and give more women an opportunity to find themselves and their passion again. 

That was June of 2017.

It is now April 2019. If you told me then how long and how much effort it would take to get here, I might have just said forget it.

But wow, am I glad now I didn’t.

It’s here and it’s for you!

A woman who is searching for answers about her marriage.

You know there is more.

More than this current hopelessness, anger and sadness. You know this is not way to live.

The Marriage Myth Transcendent Membership Program is here to give you the relief you need.

I created it with you in mind.

You. The beautiful, amazing woman who has been beating her head against the wall to change her husband and has gotten N-O-W-H-E-R-E…. and wonders what the heck to do now?

For a small investment of $74/month you will join The Marriage Myth Transcendent Membership Program, a private community, in a secure site that allows you to access all the written material I teach + live classes or group coaching sessions every week, which are recorded for your convenience.

So many women have been sending me emails and private messages – I had to come up with a solution!

Thank you for sharing your lives with me. And – here is the solution you have been asking for.

The Marriage Myth Transcendent Membership Program is affordable, accessible, easy, gives you support and community, allows you to move at your own pace, and so much faster than going it alone.

You can submit questions for the classes, or request group coaching.

If you have ever wondered what to do, considered counseling or divorce – PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE don’t do anything until you have spent some time in this program and community.

I would love to work with you.

I want to spare you unnecessary pain.

I want you to get crystal clear about what you want, what you need, what you can live with, and what you want.

Knowing all of that is CRITICAL – whether you stay married or decide to “consciously uncouple”.

Join this powerful membership program today.

Say “Yes.”

Choose you.

Choose The Marriage Myth Transcendent Membership Program.

I'm offering a free 30-day trial. You can cancel with a 30-day notice, so no worries there.

You can also add 1:1 coaching on the site for a discounted membership price.

Please don’t stay in pain and confusion – you don’t have to.

Join me in The Marriage Myth Transcendent Membership Program right now. Just click here. Your first 30 days are on me.

Sending you lots of love and light!

Kim


KbH
Why We Stay In Unhappy Marriages
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As you know, if you’ve followed me in for a while, I followed my dream to live in Paris for a year and learn French.

A year has turned into two-and-a-half and still don’t speak French!

I speak enough to get by, but not to have a conversation. 

When I put “practice French” in my calendar my brain starts reeling with all the reasons it won’t stick, so why bother. After a couple of years, my brain has gotten really good at justifying my lack of practice. Thank you, marvelous brain. (That was my sarcasm font!)

Yes, there are a hundred excuses, but the most important one is this; my brain is convinced it is not safe. 

Crazy I know, but that is how changing our thoughts works. I don’t want to learn French badly enough to fight my brain. 

To become fluent means, I have to change my thoughts about the possibility that I could actually become fluent in French. My brain is sure that reaching for the possibility is more painful than not speaking French.

That is exactly what happens in our marriages.

We can tolerate them most of the time. 

Not flourish in them, not enjoy them or our husband, but we can live with it. Your brain has spent years accumulating evidence to support that belief. 

It tells you that you don’t know what you want, so you need to stay unhappy until you figure it out.

Every once in a while, something happens that makes the pain more acute. For me that means having house guests that don’t speak English, trying to purchase something or have my hair cut and not being able to explain what I want.

For you, a holiday may trigger that pain, or an argument, or exhaustion, and you vow that you won’t live this way anymore. But then your brain goes, “now, let’s not be hasty.”

As soon as the moment passes, your brain soothes you back into not taking action.

That is how thought work changes (or doesn’t change) your life. Deciding who is going to win. The part of your brain that tells you It is easier to stay in pain (or live in a country where you don’t speak the language) than it is to do the work. Or, the part that is longing for something new?

It all boils down to changing your mind. So simple and yet here we are. 

What if you started with something small like a live 30-minute class or group coaching call every Wednesday at noon eastern? That doesn’t sound too painful, does it? 

Let’s see – hmmm -  pain, confusion, exhaustion or 30 minutes a week. 

I am inviting you to choose to do the work. To change your thoughts. To choose you. 

Thirty-minutes a week. And I’ve got an easy way for you to do it. Join me and a group of women who are choosing themselves. They are in my new membership community I call, Marriage Myth Transcendent. 

I teach a weekly glass and provide additional resources for the community. I’ve had a small group of women ‘test-driving’ the system and I’m about ready to launch it out into the world, so stay tuned for your opportunity to join us. 

It’s time to transcend all the myths we believed about our marriages and focus on our own desires, truth and dreams. 

Watch your inbox for more about Marriage Myth Transcendent. 

Me, I’m off to practice my French.

KbH
Point Zero
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Paris, for two years, has been my adoptive home. 
 
This morning I learned a little fact about the city I love – Notre Dame, was point zero on the map of the city. Everything radiated out from it. Built on a small island in the middle of the Seine called Île de la Cité it was the origination of the Paris we know today. 
 
No doubt you know that Notre Dame burned Monday. In a little over two hours’ time, almost 1000 years of history, not to mention a large part of the heart of France, went up in smoke. 
 
It was heart wrenching to watch. I cried. This amazing cathedral, that opened its doors, waving millions of visitors in for daily mass, had survived two world wars and years of life, only to burn. 
 
It appears the fire was caused by sparks from the very scaffolding being constructed to save it from the elements.
 
The irony is almost too difficult to fathom. They speculate that it may take another 40 years to rebuild it. 40 years. The likelihood that I will live to see it finished is slim.
 
It originally took over 125 years to erect. (172 to emerge as the cathedral we know today) The average life span at the time was between 38 to 42 years. Meaning, that generation after generation of stone mason, wood cutters, mortar mixers, artisans, architects and engineers worked tirelessly every day of their lives, knowing they would never see its completion. 
 
Can you imagine working every day of your life on something that you would never see finished? I can’t. 
 
It was the first-time flying buttresses had been used -allowing the designers to make the supporting exterior walls thinner and taller –lifting them to the heavens and lacing them with stained glass to offer up to God the best of man, this cathedral became symbolic of what could be. 
 
The majority attending mass here in its infancy lacked the benefit of education. Bible stories were told in glass and ornate carving covering the walls and doors. Even the most basic structural elements – the watersheds for the great roof– Gargoyles that spit rain -were a warning of a fate of hell. 
 
This beautiful cathedral has not always been admired or revered. It was heavily damaged during the French Revolution and all but abandoned. We imagine Victor Hugo’s book, the Hunchback of Notre Dame, is a story of love – and it is – but more than just the love of one poor creature - it is credited with saving the cathedral itself.
 
So much time. So much has happened – and yet it stands.
 
All of which becomes a metaphor for our lives. 
 
What is the story of your life? How many storms have you weathered to survive?
 
What is your point zero – that one element, from which you radiate, that even if you lost most of what you have, or are, would allow you to rebuild? 
 
We all have one thing that we can hold on to, believe in, even when everything else seems lost. What’s yours?
 
Is it your courage, your faith, your strength, hope, intellect, charm, charisma, generosity, structure, love of others – 
 
Spend a few minutes finding your point zero and then give yourself a huge hug for weathering the storms of life to make it to this place.
 
Look back over your life with a sense of awe and wonder. Let go of the judgment and the fear, just for a few minutes and marvel at the miracle of you.
 
I work with women every day who are in the process that our beloved Notre Dame is going to begin. The rebuilding process. Defining what they want for themselves and their marriage. 
 
If you’re on a similar journey, let’s talk

Bisous!

KbH
Holy Hell, It's April Already!
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It’s Spring! Birds chirping, flowers blooming, new life popping up everywhere. It’s beautiful.

 It is also the beginning of the second quarter of 2019, and tax season. It’s freaking April already!

 What the hell happened to the first part of 2019?

 If that’s what you’re asking yourself, because you promised this year would be different – you promised this was your year. Your year to find the joy you wanted in your marriage or you would damned sure change things. You weren’t going to live the rest of your life this way.

Is that what you promised yourself?

 If so, I have just one more question. Are you doing it?

 Taking that first step toward a better marriage/relationship/life can be scary. Getting to first base is the biggest challenge. Once you do that the momentum makes the second step so much easier.

 I hear that over and over with the women I work with. They tell me how glad they are that they finally made the commitment to changing their life. They talk about how they wished they done it sooner. But sometimes it takes a while to commit to your own well-being.

 Many women I talk to tell me they are ready. And then they disappear silently back into the world they are familiar with. It hurts my heart. Because I know, once they commit to themselves, they are on first base. And I can help them get the rest of the way, if they want it.

 It’s a commitment, yes. A commitment to you. A commitment to living fully in who you are. A commitment to finding joy regardless of what your husband does or doesn’t do.

 But as a friend said recently – commitment is sexy.

 What are you committed to?

Book a call if you are ready to commit to your joy.

KbH
The Secret To Getting What You Want In Your Marriage
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You’ve identified what you want in Step One. If you missed that blog, check it out here.

Then in Step Two, you made a list of how you want to feel. Check that blog out here.

Now… the super-power of the process. Step Three.

We are going to reverse engineer how to get what we want by using how we want to feel when we get it.

By knowing how we want to feel we can examine and modify our thoughts.

It works like this.

  • Our thoughts create our feelings

  • Everything we do and want is because of how we want to feel

  • Step three is to uncover the thoughts you have that create the feelings you want to feel.

  • And begin to feel those feelings by practicing those thoughts

  • BEFORE the goal is even reached.

  • In this way, you are helping the brain to believe your new and desired life before it becomes a reality.

Learning how to create the feelings you want to have, being aware when you have those feelings, and identifying the thoughts that fuel those feelings, allows your brain to shift into the mindset you want more easily (and quickly.)

That’s why affirmations don’t work.

You’ve done it. You stand in front of a mirror and repeat affirmations until you’re blue in the face, and nothing changes. That’s because your brain does not believe you.

Let’s get practical.

Example from Step Two – the desire was affection from your husband. The feeling was that of being wanted.

If this were one of my goals, I would ask myself these questions:

  1. Who will I be once I have these things?

  2. When was the last time I had these feelings?

  3. How did I act as a result of feeling this way?

And it would look like this –

If I felt wanted now, I would be less inhibited and be more vocal, in an alluring rather than defensive way. Because I would FEEL wanted. Make sense?

I wouldn’t feel rejected if I asked for what I wanted and didn’t get it? I would just think it was his loss, or that he was busy –

Nor would I go into an energy ball trying to figure out why, or how I might be more “persuasive”. I would just keep going because we act based on our feelings.

Feeling wanted, I would be more flirtatious, more seductive -just because it was fun.

I might, for example, just run my finger along his arm unexpectedly on the way out of the room or take his hand and kiss his palm – and then return to what I was doing.

Once I reconnected with those feelings, I would spend a few minutes recalling what my thoughts were. What was I thinking at that moment? Probably that I was ALL THAT AND A BAG OF CHIPS – lucky guy.

That “’me” would behave very differently than the one that feels rejected or unwanted.

Can you see the difference? Can you see lovely one how much power you have right this moment to begin to change your life?

If I couldn’t access the feeling at all, I would accept that and ask for help.

That’s where I come in. I help women do this process all the time.

If you are wondering what it would look like to put these three steps in place in your particular situation, let’s chat. Here’s a link to a free discovery call with me.

It’s fun and easy.

I can’t wait to talk to you!

KbH
Can You Tap Dance Your Way to Joy?
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Hey lovely!  

So how did Step One go? If you missed the last blog and don’t know about Step One, check it out here.

First, let me say that I understand that this even simple steps can cause resistance.

You may be saying things like, “Yeah Kimberly, easy for you. If I could do what makes me happy, or think happy thoughts, I  wouldn’t be unhappy.”

And you’re right. I wish had a magic wand to wave to make it all ok, right now.

Did you know….

I have a coach as well. A wonderful woman who points out the roadblocks I may still occasionally run into. So, yes, having help makes it easier. And quicker.

But these are the steps you take no matter where you are.

Don’t be discouraged.

Don’t give up.

You can do this.

Ready for step two???? Oui?

2. Figure out how you want to feel.

Hmmmm, you may be saying, this step sounds a lot like step one.

Know why?  Because we do the things we do and want the things we want, not for the thing itself, but how it will make us feel.

It is the feeling we really want.

So, if you have the five things you really want, (Step One), look at that list and write every feeling word that pops up for you about how you will feel when you have those things.

In other words, if affection from your husband is something you desperately want – why is that? What is it you want to feel? Safe, sensual, desired, warm, sheltered, in control because he wants you, young, kissed, needed…. What is it you want to feel?

Come up with at least three feelings for each want. Once you finish, look at the list and see if there are any common denominators.

Did you list one or more feelings several times? These are clues.

OK, do it.

Go through your list of five and come up with at least three feelings for each of your heart’s desires. Write them down next to your desire.

Thursday we will talk about Step Three– how to create those feelings, even if we haven’t reached the goal yet.

Don’t miss it!

Until then –

Bisous

KbH
Is Comfort Keeping You Stuck?
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I was fortunate to be raised by an amazing woman who taught and modeled positive thinking without knowing that was what she was doing.

She told me I could do or be anything I wanted to – and I grew up believing her. 

But even with that support and encouragement I stalled at times. 

I hadn’t connected the thousands of thoughts I had each day (about my circumstances and the unfairness of life) to how my life was. 

By the time I was in my late 20’s I had decided that positive thinking was nothing but a way for someone else to make money selling me their book. 

And then I found coaching.

Then it all made sense.

I realized that the things I had been doing (struggling through affirmations and visualization techniques) would never work if I went right back to my familiar patterns of thinking.

I want to see you get to a better place much sooner than I did. 

I want to share three super simple (don’t read easy here) steps you can do right now. 

I’ll break this down into three blogs. We’ll cover Step One today:

  1. Figure out what you really want.

As silly and moronic as this sounds, it is surprising how many of us don’t do it. Before you click delete – hear me out.

If I were to ask you right this minute what you want, would you say something like "to be happy?"

Happy is great – but what does happiness mean to you – specifically.

For example – I had call the other day with my coach. It was an early morning call. I told her how much I liked her lipstick and she said she knew I didn’t care if she were dressed and "made up," BUT, it made her feel better to put on her favorite shade of Tom Ford lipstick.

That is a very specific thing that makes her happy.

I just had a lovely young girl spend three hours cleaning my house for the company we are having.

Man, am I happy right now!

Being happy is the end game – it’s the feeling generated by thoughts you are thinking.

What are your happy thoughts?   

If you want happiness, figure out specific things you think happy thoughts about.

It is spending time alone or surrounded by people? 

Doing something that gives you a sense of accomplishment? 

Being completely decadent?

What is it you want lovely one?

Come up with a list of five things (restraint is actually very freeing) that you really, really want.

And then check back Sunday for step two!

Until then, if you have no idea how to start, here’s a link for a complimentary call. Together we can begin turning that frown upside down (into a smile – get it?)   Wink, wink, nudge, nudge.

Gros, gros Bisous!!

KbH
What's Important To You?
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What’s important to you?

Today is a beautiful day here.

Springtime beautiful. 

I noticed looking out that the crocus, daffodils, and narcissus I planted are coming up. Excited, I went outside to get a closer look. 

But guess what happened next? I zoomed in too close.

The flowers, color, and sunshine that beckoned from my kitchen window gave way to weeds that needed pulling, bulbs that had been crushed, and fragile blooms that had been pounded by the sleet we had on Sunday.

That is when my story "why can’t anything just be easy" hit. 

Here’s why:

2019 has been a challenging year because of an accident my husband had. He is in pain. And despite rigging an amazing contraption for navigating the stairs, one flight is about all he can manage, so he is sleeping in the guest room on the second floor instead of our room on the third. 

It also means I do all the lifting, shifting, toting and fetching – serving meals on a tray, etc., etc.  

The hard part is that the hardware they used to repair his knee seems to be shifting. He was just reaching the quasi walking stage (still using a walker, but at least weight bearing to a degree). Now, he is concerned he will have to go back for a second surgery – soon. Needless to say, it has been weighing heavily on him, and as a result, us.

I have laughingly shared that all of this is a great reminder to me about why I do what I do. 

In my last marriage, under these same circumstances, it would have been close to dish throwing time. Instead, I have been able to hold my own. 

But I also realized, thanks to the lovely daffodils, I have stoically tucked away the story about struggle, telling myself that no matter what I do, it will always be hard. 

That’s when I remembered something a client said to me recently. 

She had a crazy busy week and the only time she had to work in her session was at 4 am.  I was impressed. I love rising before the world in the dark silence, watching everything come to life. But that is predicated on being alone, in the silence, with my coffee, my thoughts and my writing.

When I raved about her discipline and diligence, she said, "if it’s important I make it happen. And this is important."

Wow... I was silenced for a moment.

It is why I love the work I do. I am inspired by the amazing women I work with. 

She is right. If it is really important to me, I find a way to get it done. 

As I remembered this beautiful woman’s face, her joy and her example, I spent about 30 minutes repairing and caring for the flowers that color my life so beautifully. 

And I changed my story about hardship.

You can too. 

It doesn’t matter what is going on around you as much as what is going on inside you. 

There are only two questions to ask yourself – 

What is important to me?

What do I tell myself about why I can’t have it?

We all need help rewriting our stories.

l will help you re-write the story that keeps you stuck, sad, angry or confused. 

Schedule your call.

KbH
Emotion, Emotion, Emotion
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Emotion, emotion, emotion. Do you feel yours is “Too Much," ?

It’s true, science has declared that emotions drive our lives. So why do we feel we have to “control” or repress them? 

Because when we are stuck in hopelessness or confusion about what went wrong in our marriages, we get trapped in a mental prison playing the tape of our thoughts over and over until it is all we can see.

Have you ever felt that way? Like you had to stuff your feelings or they would overwhelm you?  If so, let me offer you some hope.

We are told all our lives to be “feminine and attractive” basically to feign damsel-in-distress until a Knight shows up to save us. After we marry, however, we are told our femininity, our emotions, our instincts, and our intuition are inferior to the masculine qualities of productivity, stoicism and physical strength. 

Even men are likewise trained to hide their need for love (or any other quality that might be considered feminine) at all costs.

And that, my fairest one, is pure “poo”. We need - and have- both sets of qualities and strengths. Neither is superior to the other. 

As a matter of fact, it is only when one “side” over-powers or outweighs the other that we get into trouble.

So, if we can accept that our emotions are the driving force behind the actions we take, how can we “manage” them without falling prey to them?

We become intimate with them, invite them in, get to know them, make them feel welcome.

And the best and most fun way to do that is to get back in touch with what lights us up - what makes us smile. Welcome the sun on our faces, not hide in shame that we are somehow defective or inferior.

If you are ready to be fully and completely whole – letting all of your qualities, strengths and emotions free - here is a link for a free 30-minute consultation. We will talk about how you can bring it all to the world and feel the exhilarating joy of sunny days!

KbH