Free Is Fun!
Blog Imag (1).png

Free is fun!

Free and new make it double fun – here it is!!!  Woo hoo – pop the cork! It’s champagne time.

A bit of back story

I have been working on a membership site for over a year now. I know that all of us can use a hand sometimes.

You know how it is. We have good intentions, then life happens. We get back on track, then life happens again. We start over and life happens again.   

I talk with women in pain, every day. Sometimes they really want to change, they need help, but financially they are strapped. Sometimes they simply weren’t able to keep the momentum going on their own. I understand that! I wanted everyone to get what they needed. Something that would encourage and support these brilliant women that was also affordable and accessible.  

A membership site seemed so perfect!

And tthhheeennnn…….

I got married, which created a desire to change my business name, which led to a new website, which became a colossal challenge (understatement).

We moved from Paris to Orléans – magnifique! But you know, it’s still a moving process …

I was working on a tedious process to get a French resident’s card which had me pond hopping every three months (US to France and back) for almost a year. I wanted to share daily tips and announce the new site(s), so I started working on a podcast –

And then in January, in a strange twist of fate, my poor husband broke his knee just like I had four years ago.

All that Life Stuff we drown in.

Soooo, as a way to say thank you for hanging in there, for not giving up hope that there is help out there somewhere, for continuing to look and be patient…

I want to give you a gift.

The membership site is a live class or group coaching session every week (recorded for your convenience), written material to work through, and access to a library of years of archived material.

It has been created with the sole purpose that no woman has to be alone, in pain, confused about her next step.

And guess what!!! (free part!!!) If you join now, I will give you the first month FREE!

You will find the group a safe place, to share your heart, questions, hopes and dreams; a place to gather strength, encouragement, direction and confidence.

Join us now. Don’t let life get in the way.  

KbH
Did Curiosity Really Kill The Cat?
Blog Imag.png

I’ve been using archetypes with the beautiful women I have the pleasure of coaching to make sense out of why we like the things we like; want the things we want and love the way we do.

I hate to see women struggling with their identity in marriage and relationship.

It often means they judge themselves unkindly.

I love coaching women to embrace curiosity.

Curiosity is magic.

In the spirit of curiosity, we can go deeper.

When we become curious, not just about what we are innately drawn to, but what our thoughts are, and about ourselves, it’s as if we have opened a magical door.

Shame, regret, remorse, guilt and fear are telltale signs that we have hidden beliefs dragging us down into an abyss.

Learning more about what drives us, how our feminine archetype, or essence, operates in love, allows us to break-through confusion. When we can see that wanting what we want is not selfish and doesn’t have to be self-destructive, we are liberated from so many self-deprecating thoughts.

Using that knowledge to discern how we bring enchantment into our lives and what we need from love, gives us a foundation for exploring the best way to create a life that sets our soul on fire.

We are all uniquely created to do things in this world that only we can do. If we don’t do them, if we don’t use our gifts, skills and hard learned wisdom, it will be lost. Sure, the world will keep spinning, but it will be less brilliant without the light you can bring.

This is not to heap more guilt on you. You can’t pour from an empty cup. But you can invest in you and discover that you have so much more strength and power than you believe you do at this moment.

I’ve got two easy ways for you to discover and unleash that power.

First, take the “Discover Your Magic” archetype quiz. Just click this link to access the quiz. There are six fun, easy questions. Don’t over-think it, go with your gut. Then hit reply and email me the numeric response to each of the six questions. I’ll email you back with what your archetype is and give you some fun information about it. If you’re anything like me, you’ll say, “Oh my! This makes so many things make sense!”

Then, join my monthly membership program – Marriage Myths Transcendent. I’m even offering a 30-day FREE trial. You’ll find a group of women just like you – who once thought there was no way for them to be happy, to live boldly and joyfully – until they learned more about themselves and how to release their essence and live a life that sets their soul on fire.

Take the quiz, join the membership program. Don’t wait, don’t second guess yourself, don’t rationalize, don’t buy another book, or join another group just because it is free - don’t keep doing the same things you have been doing that got you to this place. Do something new.

Do You.  The magical you.

KbH
How to “Unsubscribe” from an Unhappy Marriage
2.png

I work with women in a world of pain in their marriages. That’s why I am willing to bend over backwards to support them. But it took me several years to fully understand that I can’t do the work for them. 

I have taken calls at 11pm and 6am when I thought it was truly necessary. I’ve taught free classes at 1 am. I spend as much time after sessions doing session summaries with additional coaching insight, suggestions and homework as I do in the actual session.

I offer free consultation calls. I don’t like to see amazing, wonderful women in a lonely, dark place. It is why I do what I do.

But I can work till I am blue in the face, pour out everything I am, everything I have – it won’t work unless you work as hard for you as I do.

I was stood up for a free consultation call. Why? Probably because to the person who booked it, with absolutely no obligation, suddenly doubted herself, or questioned if she was ready, and didn’t feel obliged to show up.

That is what happens when we bounce from idea to idea, book to book, listening to everyone we can – with no investment of our own – we aren’t obliged to change our lives.

I feel connected to every woman I speak with, like it is my job to make sure they get the help they need. But it’s not. It pains me to say that, but it’s your job. I just meet you there with the information and support you need to make it happen.

If you can’t show up for yourself for a free call, it is going to be really, really hard to get out of pain.

I wish I could sugar coat that a bit, because I hear that you are hurting. But if you want to stop hurting, you have to show up for yourself.

You have to book the call, you have to show up for the call and then yes, you have to invest in changing your life, mentally, physically, with your time, your energy and your money.

Because until you invest in you, no one else will.  You must, lovely one, want to be joyful, more than you want to be where you are now. It’s hard. I get it.

My advice. Don’t book a call until you’re ready. It’s okay if you aren’t ready, don’t let that make you feel like a failure, but you need to know that – for you – not me –I can’t help you unless you are ready to do the work. No one can.

If you’re ready… I can’t wait to talk! We can magical things together! Book it here.

With lots of love - Bisous

KbH
Is It Time To Leave? Here's How You Know
1.png

I just had a woman ask me that oh so familiar question.

If you have been unhappy for a year or longer, it may not be time to leave, but it is definitely time to  take some steps toward an answer.

If I had a dime for every woman I talked to who is unhappy in her marriage, I would be spending all my time in the garden. I talk to women every week, with painful stories that hurt my heart. But when I ask them when they want to start changing their situation, they give me a million reasons that this isn’t the right time. Don’t get me wrong, they are very good reasons.

They are working non-stop. They have small children and do 90% of the childcare, (and are working non-stop). They are strapped financially. They have kids and don’t want to wreck their family. They are afraid I will tell them they have to leave their husband; or conversely that I will tell them they have to stay. They just want him to listen to them, hear them, love them.

Some of these women I check in with from time to time because the pain was so real when we talked they could barely stop crying. I can’t help but think about them, so I check in, truly hoping, for their sake, things have gotten better.

But they are still waiting. Waiting on the time to be right. Waiting for there to be less pressure. Waiting on their finances to get better, kids to graduate, or go to college, or elementary school, or their husband to finally hear them. Waiting on some divine sign to show them what to do.

Here is the truth – it may sting a little – Nothing will change.

A year from now – five years from now – ten.

You will still be in the same place doing the same thing in the same amount of pain.

If you continue pouring everything you have into an unhappy life - hoping and praying that one day your husband will wake up and see the wonder that you are. He won’t. He just won’t.

That would be like me just gazing out at my window at the garden because I don’t have the time, energy or resources to work on it and expecting to see  nothing but beautiful flowers. It just won’t happen. It can’t. I am so sorry.

It’s not fair,  I get that.  You have given so much. I hear you. But  as unfair as it is, being angry about it won’t change a thing. Waiting on him, or the world to change won’t do it either. You are the only one who can make you happy.

How?, By figuring out what you really want, that is within your control, and taking steps toward it. I can show you how to do that. I’ve done it. I’ve helped other women do it too. It’s possible.

It’s spring – aren’t you ready to bloom my lovely one? 

If you are tired of waiting, then stop. Let’s talk about some things  you can do right now.

 

KbH
My Husband Said He Could Replace me for $35,000!
Are you Ready feel the sun again_ (5).png

What if your husband told you he could replace you for $35,000?

That happened to me. Or rather, what he actually said was that he could replace "what I did" for $35,000/year. But that wasn't what I heard of course.

I took it to heart, and sadly it became one of the main themes of our marriage. Without realizing it, I spent the next 10 years trying to prove him wrong.

I wanted his time and attention. I wanted to know I was precious to him, irreplaceable. I wanted his support and help.

The truth was that I was irreplaceable to him, he just didn't know how to show it, or tell me.

So, I held onto a false belief that created a shell around my heart.

I didn't understand that trying to be Martha Stewart and June Cleaver combined was not only boring but exhausting.

If I had known then what I know now, his words might not have taken root.

If I had been more aware of my own value, and better equipped to ask for what I needed with reasonable expectations that would be met, I might have laughed or walked away smiling and shaking my head at such an immature concept (Replace me? In your dreams.)

This is not to excuse his remark, because it was unkind and unnecessary.

When one or both partners in a marriage don't feel loved, we fight over small things.

It is far less risky to get angry because our husband neglects the chores around the house than it is to be vulnerable and ask for what we truly need.

If it feels like nothing is working, and you can't keep going like you are - don't

Don't stay confused.

Don't stay in pain.

Don't allow words that are simply his defense mechanism to devalue who you are.

Don't accept them at all.

Want to know how to stop accepting less than you long for?

Join my membership community, Marriage Myth Transcendent. I'm even offering a 30-Day free trial membership right now! It's a community I created to help women become empowered. You can focus the attention on yourself. Your dreams. Your desires. Your thoughts. Your empowerment! Get the deets here and join today!

It's time to get out of pain and confusion.

KbH
Why Is It So Hard To Change?
Are you Ready feel the sun again_ (4).png

People who have never experienced coaching, often think it is like every other thing they have tried. They tell themselves it won’t work before they even get started.

Guess what, that is a perfect example of how hard your brain is working to keep you “safe” – even in situations that cause you pain and discomfort. It’s also what may be keeping you stuck in a miserable marriage.

Your thoughts (approximately 60,000 per day) are what create the life you are now living. If you want that life to change, it’s as simple as changing your thoughts. That’s hard, but simple.

The really, really hard part is trying to do it alone.

Here’s why – of those thousands of thoughts we have per day – only a portion come to our conscious mind. Our marvelous brains filter them according to what it thinks we most need to pay attention to.

Can’t you just see a bunch of cartoon characters running around inside our head saying, “Here, here’s a good one, keep this one” or “Nope, that is new, has to be bad. Quick, chunk it before she sees it.”

Let me give you a more concrete example to illustrate. Say you are thinking of buying a car. You’ve narrowed it down to one brand, model, etc. Suddenly you see this car everywhere. Wow, you think, this must be a good choice.

The thing is, there are not suddenly more Iridescent pearl Lexus SUV’s in your world than there were before. The difference is that your brain picked up on the fact that you have entertained these thoughts, by choice, repeatedly. You aren’t seeing more cars. You are simply noticing them.

The same thing happens in your marriage. If you are unhappy, you have spent years accumulating data about it. And your brain has been helping you. Just like it brought your attention to the cars, it is pointing out, loudly, in neon chartreuse all the reasons you should be unhappy.

If you’re unsure, take this challenge. I want to invite you to try something new and see what happens.

I’ve got two awesome things. First, join my free Facebook Group, Undone Women and be a part of the conversation.

Then join my private membership group, Marriage Myth Transcendent. This is a kick butt group of women who are changing their lives one thought at a time (It’s only $74/month for weekly classes and written work, plus Facebook lives. And right now, I’m offering one month FREE for a limited time!).

Because the flip side to change is that we can’t recognize our own sneaky little destructive thoughts without help.

KbH
Why Your Thoughts Are Ruining Your Marriage
Are you Ready feel the sun again_ (3).png

The other day, my husband, Christian and I were enjoying a beautiful dinner on our terrace – perfect weather, great food, wine, right out of a magazine shot.

He was thanking me for all the work I had done in the garden and house lately because he is still limited by his broken knee.

We were both talking about how miraculous it was that we found each other at this stage in our lives, from different cultures – with an ocean between us. Seriously, it was picture perfect. He finished his thoughts with the comment – “and we haven’t had a disagreement in months…” uh oh…

The very next day, stressed about a big conference call with 47 people from all over the world (his job title is Operational Resilience Expert – yeah, don’t ask) he was also in physical pain with his knee – and let’s just say, a tad snappy, shall we?

I let the first three or four comments slide – I knew he had a lot on him.

Not to mention my son and future daughter-in-law are due here, so I have been on a house prep frenzy. Which is what started the downhill slide.

I was rocking along, until he said something about me and my expectations which didn’t go over well. Guess what happened – my brain started reaching back an hour earlier to the other less than “loving” comments he had made.

Before I knew it, I was stewing. Noticing my change in demeanor, he opened the door by saying “is something bothering you?”

So often as women, we live for moments like this because… you bet! Something was bothering me!  And it was him!

I shared some of the things on my mind, honestly, with as little venom as possible. And he was totally surprised.

We were able to neutralize everything in a short time.

But here is the difference between this marriage and my last one.

Had this happened in my last marriage, same circumstances, same everything we would have gone into a cold war for days, or longer. He would have “left me alone to get over it” which I would have labeled as him not caring, and the residual fallout would have cut us both deeply.

Here’s why – I would have taken his comments to mean something about me. I would have become more defensive with each one. And, I would have considered that rational and justifiable thought.

I would have become a victim of what I imagined he was saying about me because I didn’t understand how my thoughts were creating my feelings. I would have felt disempowered – and helpless.

Fast forward. Although I did start down that familiar path. But when Christian asked me that question (in the way husbands do when they really don’t want to know, but feel they have to ask) it was a trigger for me to stop long enough to examine my thoughts and ask myself this question – What was I making his comments mean about me?

I couldn’t do that 10 years ago. That is the power of coaching. That is the power of learning to manage your thoughts. That’s what the women I work with are doing to change their lives.

Like this beautiful email I received this morning:

“Thank you does not seem adequate… Lots of good things would not have happened without our session today.”

And that lovely one, is my wish for you – LOT’S OF GOOD THINGS.

It’s work, uncovering your thoughts and being willing to examine them, without judging yourself, or blaming him. It also takes courage – and help. I wouldn’t be able to do it without help to see what my blind spots are. You need help to uncover yours too.

If you are worn out – tired of feeling like your life is beyond your control, let me show you how to become empowered.

Join my membership community, Marriage Myth Transcendent. I’m even offering a 30-Day free trial membership right now! It’s a community I created to help women become empowered. You can focus the attention on yourself. Your dreams. Your desires. Your thoughts. Your empowerment! Get the deets here and join today!

 

KbH
I’M SOOOOOO EXCITED!
Are you Ready feel the sun again_ (2).png

Way back in what seems like another lifetime, I got this crazy notion that if I created a membership program, I could do live classes every week with written material and give more women an opportunity to find themselves and their passion again. 

That was June of 2017.

It is now April 2019. If you told me then how long and how much effort it would take to get here, I might have just said forget it.

But wow, am I glad now I didn’t.

It’s here and it’s for you!

A woman who is searching for answers about her marriage.

You know there is more.

More than this current hopelessness, anger and sadness. You know this is not way to live.

The Marriage Myth Transcendent Membership Program is here to give you the relief you need.

I created it with you in mind.

You. The beautiful, amazing woman who has been beating her head against the wall to change her husband and has gotten N-O-W-H-E-R-E…. and wonders what the heck to do now?

For a small investment of $74/month you will join The Marriage Myth Transcendent Membership Program, a private community, in a secure site that allows you to access all the written material I teach + live classes or group coaching sessions every week, which are recorded for your convenience.

So many women have been sending me emails and private messages – I had to come up with a solution!

Thank you for sharing your lives with me. And – here is the solution you have been asking for.

The Marriage Myth Transcendent Membership Program is affordable, accessible, easy, gives you support and community, allows you to move at your own pace, and so much faster than going it alone.

You can submit questions for the classes, or request group coaching.

If you have ever wondered what to do, considered counseling or divorce – PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE don’t do anything until you have spent some time in this program and community.

I would love to work with you.

I want to spare you unnecessary pain.

I want you to get crystal clear about what you want, what you need, what you can live with, and what you want.

Knowing all of that is CRITICAL – whether you stay married or decide to “consciously uncouple”.

Join this powerful membership program today.

Say “Yes.”

Choose you.

Choose The Marriage Myth Transcendent Membership Program.

I'm offering a free 30-day trial. You can cancel with a 30-day notice, so no worries there.

You can also add 1:1 coaching on the site for a discounted membership price.

Please don’t stay in pain and confusion – you don’t have to.

Join me in The Marriage Myth Transcendent Membership Program right now. Just click here. Your first 30 days are on me.

Sending you lots of love and light!

Kim


KbH
Why We Stay In Unhappy Marriages
Are you Ready feel the sun again_ (1).png

As you know, if you’ve followed me in for a while, I followed my dream to live in Paris for a year and learn French.

A year has turned into two-and-a-half and still don’t speak French!

I speak enough to get by, but not to have a conversation. 

When I put “practice French” in my calendar my brain starts reeling with all the reasons it won’t stick, so why bother. After a couple of years, my brain has gotten really good at justifying my lack of practice. Thank you, marvelous brain. (That was my sarcasm font!)

Yes, there are a hundred excuses, but the most important one is this; my brain is convinced it is not safe. 

Crazy I know, but that is how changing our thoughts works. I don’t want to learn French badly enough to fight my brain. 

To become fluent means, I have to change my thoughts about the possibility that I could actually become fluent in French. My brain is sure that reaching for the possibility is more painful than not speaking French.

That is exactly what happens in our marriages.

We can tolerate them most of the time. 

Not flourish in them, not enjoy them or our husband, but we can live with it. Your brain has spent years accumulating evidence to support that belief. 

It tells you that you don’t know what you want, so you need to stay unhappy until you figure it out.

Every once in a while, something happens that makes the pain more acute. For me that means having house guests that don’t speak English, trying to purchase something or have my hair cut and not being able to explain what I want.

For you, a holiday may trigger that pain, or an argument, or exhaustion, and you vow that you won’t live this way anymore. But then your brain goes, “now, let’s not be hasty.”

As soon as the moment passes, your brain soothes you back into not taking action.

That is how thought work changes (or doesn’t change) your life. Deciding who is going to win. The part of your brain that tells you It is easier to stay in pain (or live in a country where you don’t speak the language) than it is to do the work. Or, the part that is longing for something new?

It all boils down to changing your mind. So simple and yet here we are. 

What if you started with something small like a live 30-minute class or group coaching call every Wednesday at noon eastern? That doesn’t sound too painful, does it? 

Let’s see – hmmm -  pain, confusion, exhaustion or 30 minutes a week. 

I am inviting you to choose to do the work. To change your thoughts. To choose you. 

Thirty-minutes a week. And I’ve got an easy way for you to do it. Join me and a group of women who are choosing themselves. They are in my new membership community I call, Marriage Myth Transcendent. 

I teach a weekly glass and provide additional resources for the community. I’ve had a small group of women ‘test-driving’ the system and I’m about ready to launch it out into the world, so stay tuned for your opportunity to join us. 

It’s time to transcend all the myths we believed about our marriages and focus on our own desires, truth and dreams. 

Watch your inbox for more about Marriage Myth Transcendent. 

Me, I’m off to practice my French.

KbH
Point Zero
Are you Ready feel the sun again_.png

Paris, for two years, has been my adoptive home. 
 
This morning I learned a little fact about the city I love – Notre Dame, was point zero on the map of the city. Everything radiated out from it. Built on a small island in the middle of the Seine called Île de la Cité it was the origination of the Paris we know today. 
 
No doubt you know that Notre Dame burned Monday. In a little over two hours’ time, almost 1000 years of history, not to mention a large part of the heart of France, went up in smoke. 
 
It was heart wrenching to watch. I cried. This amazing cathedral, that opened its doors, waving millions of visitors in for daily mass, had survived two world wars and years of life, only to burn. 
 
It appears the fire was caused by sparks from the very scaffolding being constructed to save it from the elements.
 
The irony is almost too difficult to fathom. They speculate that it may take another 40 years to rebuild it. 40 years. The likelihood that I will live to see it finished is slim.
 
It originally took over 125 years to erect. (172 to emerge as the cathedral we know today) The average life span at the time was between 38 to 42 years. Meaning, that generation after generation of stone mason, wood cutters, mortar mixers, artisans, architects and engineers worked tirelessly every day of their lives, knowing they would never see its completion. 
 
Can you imagine working every day of your life on something that you would never see finished? I can’t. 
 
It was the first-time flying buttresses had been used -allowing the designers to make the supporting exterior walls thinner and taller –lifting them to the heavens and lacing them with stained glass to offer up to God the best of man, this cathedral became symbolic of what could be. 
 
The majority attending mass here in its infancy lacked the benefit of education. Bible stories were told in glass and ornate carving covering the walls and doors. Even the most basic structural elements – the watersheds for the great roof– Gargoyles that spit rain -were a warning of a fate of hell. 
 
This beautiful cathedral has not always been admired or revered. It was heavily damaged during the French Revolution and all but abandoned. We imagine Victor Hugo’s book, the Hunchback of Notre Dame, is a story of love – and it is – but more than just the love of one poor creature - it is credited with saving the cathedral itself.
 
So much time. So much has happened – and yet it stands.
 
All of which becomes a metaphor for our lives. 
 
What is the story of your life? How many storms have you weathered to survive?
 
What is your point zero – that one element, from which you radiate, that even if you lost most of what you have, or are, would allow you to rebuild? 
 
We all have one thing that we can hold on to, believe in, even when everything else seems lost. What’s yours?
 
Is it your courage, your faith, your strength, hope, intellect, charm, charisma, generosity, structure, love of others – 
 
Spend a few minutes finding your point zero and then give yourself a huge hug for weathering the storms of life to make it to this place.
 
Look back over your life with a sense of awe and wonder. Let go of the judgment and the fear, just for a few minutes and marvel at the miracle of you.
 
I work with women every day who are in the process that our beloved Notre Dame is going to begin. The rebuilding process. Defining what they want for themselves and their marriage. 
 
If you’re on a similar journey, let’s talk

Bisous!

KbH
Holy Hell, It's April Already!
Are you Ready feel the sun again_.png

It’s Spring! Birds chirping, flowers blooming, new life popping up everywhere. It’s beautiful.

 It is also the beginning of the second quarter of 2019, and tax season. It’s freaking April already!

 What the hell happened to the first part of 2019?

 If that’s what you’re asking yourself, because you promised this year would be different – you promised this was your year. Your year to find the joy you wanted in your marriage or you would damned sure change things. You weren’t going to live the rest of your life this way.

Is that what you promised yourself?

 If so, I have just one more question. Are you doing it?

 Taking that first step toward a better marriage/relationship/life can be scary. Getting to first base is the biggest challenge. Once you do that the momentum makes the second step so much easier.

 I hear that over and over with the women I work with. They tell me how glad they are that they finally made the commitment to changing their life. They talk about how they wished they done it sooner. But sometimes it takes a while to commit to your own well-being.

 Many women I talk to tell me they are ready. And then they disappear silently back into the world they are familiar with. It hurts my heart. Because I know, once they commit to themselves, they are on first base. And I can help them get the rest of the way, if they want it.

 It’s a commitment, yes. A commitment to you. A commitment to living fully in who you are. A commitment to finding joy regardless of what your husband does or doesn’t do.

 But as a friend said recently – commitment is sexy.

 What are you committed to?

Book a call if you are ready to commit to your joy.

KbH
The Secret To Getting What You Want In Your Marriage
7.png

You’ve identified what you want in Step One. If you missed that blog, check it out here.

Then in Step Two, you made a list of how you want to feel. Check that blog out here.

Now… the super-power of the process. Step Three.

We are going to reverse engineer how to get what we want by using how we want to feel when we get it.

By knowing how we want to feel we can examine and modify our thoughts.

It works like this.

  • Our thoughts create our feelings

  • Everything we do and want is because of how we want to feel

  • Step three is to uncover the thoughts you have that create the feelings you want to feel.

  • And begin to feel those feelings by practicing those thoughts

  • BEFORE the goal is even reached.

  • In this way, you are helping the brain to believe your new and desired life before it becomes a reality.

Learning how to create the feelings you want to have, being aware when you have those feelings, and identifying the thoughts that fuel those feelings, allows your brain to shift into the mindset you want more easily (and quickly.)

That’s why affirmations don’t work.

You’ve done it. You stand in front of a mirror and repeat affirmations until you’re blue in the face, and nothing changes. That’s because your brain does not believe you.

Let’s get practical.

Example from Step Two – the desire was affection from your husband. The feeling was that of being wanted.

If this were one of my goals, I would ask myself these questions:

  1. Who will I be once I have these things?

  2. When was the last time I had these feelings?

  3. How did I act as a result of feeling this way?

And it would look like this –

If I felt wanted now, I would be less inhibited and be more vocal, in an alluring rather than defensive way. Because I would FEEL wanted. Make sense?

I wouldn’t feel rejected if I asked for what I wanted and didn’t get it? I would just think it was his loss, or that he was busy –

Nor would I go into an energy ball trying to figure out why, or how I might be more “persuasive”. I would just keep going because we act based on our feelings.

Feeling wanted, I would be more flirtatious, more seductive -just because it was fun.

I might, for example, just run my finger along his arm unexpectedly on the way out of the room or take his hand and kiss his palm – and then return to what I was doing.

Once I reconnected with those feelings, I would spend a few minutes recalling what my thoughts were. What was I thinking at that moment? Probably that I was ALL THAT AND A BAG OF CHIPS – lucky guy.

That “’me” would behave very differently than the one that feels rejected or unwanted.

Can you see the difference? Can you see lovely one how much power you have right this moment to begin to change your life?

If I couldn’t access the feeling at all, I would accept that and ask for help.

That’s where I come in. I help women do this process all the time.

If you are wondering what it would look like to put these three steps in place in your particular situation, let’s chat. Here’s a link to a free discovery call with me.

It’s fun and easy.

I can’t wait to talk to you!

KbH
Can You Tap Dance Your Way to Joy?
6.png

Hey lovely!  

So how did Step One go? If you missed the last blog and don’t know about Step One, check it out here.

First, let me say that I understand that this even simple steps can cause resistance.

You may be saying things like, “Yeah Kimberly, easy for you. If I could do what makes me happy, or think happy thoughts, I  wouldn’t be unhappy.”

And you’re right. I wish had a magic wand to wave to make it all ok, right now.

Did you know….

I have a coach as well. A wonderful woman who points out the roadblocks I may still occasionally run into. So, yes, having help makes it easier. And quicker.

But these are the steps you take no matter where you are.

Don’t be discouraged.

Don’t give up.

You can do this.

Ready for step two???? Oui?

2. Figure out how you want to feel.

Hmmmm, you may be saying, this step sounds a lot like step one.

Know why?  Because we do the things we do and want the things we want, not for the thing itself, but how it will make us feel.

It is the feeling we really want.

So, if you have the five things you really want, (Step One), look at that list and write every feeling word that pops up for you about how you will feel when you have those things.

In other words, if affection from your husband is something you desperately want – why is that? What is it you want to feel? Safe, sensual, desired, warm, sheltered, in control because he wants you, young, kissed, needed…. What is it you want to feel?

Come up with at least three feelings for each want. Once you finish, look at the list and see if there are any common denominators.

Did you list one or more feelings several times? These are clues.

OK, do it.

Go through your list of five and come up with at least three feelings for each of your heart’s desires. Write them down next to your desire.

Thursday we will talk about Step Three– how to create those feelings, even if we haven’t reached the goal yet.

Don’t miss it!

Until then –

Bisous

KbH
Is Comfort Keeping You Stuck?
4.png

I was fortunate to be raised by an amazing woman who taught and modeled positive thinking without knowing that was what she was doing.

She told me I could do or be anything I wanted to – and I grew up believing her. 

But even with that support and encouragement I stalled at times. 

I hadn’t connected the thousands of thoughts I had each day (about my circumstances and the unfairness of life) to how my life was. 

By the time I was in my late 20’s I had decided that positive thinking was nothing but a way for someone else to make money selling me their book. 

And then I found coaching.

Then it all made sense.

I realized that the things I had been doing (struggling through affirmations and visualization techniques) would never work if I went right back to my familiar patterns of thinking.

I want to see you get to a better place much sooner than I did. 

I want to share three super simple (don’t read easy here) steps you can do right now. 

I’ll break this down into three blogs. We’ll cover Step One today:

  1. Figure out what you really want.

As silly and moronic as this sounds, it is surprising how many of us don’t do it. Before you click delete – hear me out.

If I were to ask you right this minute what you want, would you say something like "to be happy?"

Happy is great – but what does happiness mean to you – specifically.

For example – I had call the other day with my coach. It was an early morning call. I told her how much I liked her lipstick and she said she knew I didn’t care if she were dressed and "made up," BUT, it made her feel better to put on her favorite shade of Tom Ford lipstick.

That is a very specific thing that makes her happy.

I just had a lovely young girl spend three hours cleaning my house for the company we are having.

Man, am I happy right now!

Being happy is the end game – it’s the feeling generated by thoughts you are thinking.

What are your happy thoughts?   

If you want happiness, figure out specific things you think happy thoughts about.

It is spending time alone or surrounded by people? 

Doing something that gives you a sense of accomplishment? 

Being completely decadent?

What is it you want lovely one?

Come up with a list of five things (restraint is actually very freeing) that you really, really want.

And then check back Sunday for step two!

Until then, if you have no idea how to start, here’s a link for a complimentary call. Together we can begin turning that frown upside down (into a smile – get it?)   Wink, wink, nudge, nudge.

Gros, gros Bisous!!

KbH
What's Important To You?
4.png

What’s important to you?

Today is a beautiful day here.

Springtime beautiful. 

I noticed looking out that the crocus, daffodils, and narcissus I planted are coming up. Excited, I went outside to get a closer look. 

But guess what happened next? I zoomed in too close.

The flowers, color, and sunshine that beckoned from my kitchen window gave way to weeds that needed pulling, bulbs that had been crushed, and fragile blooms that had been pounded by the sleet we had on Sunday.

That is when my story "why can’t anything just be easy" hit. 

Here’s why:

2019 has been a challenging year because of an accident my husband had. He is in pain. And despite rigging an amazing contraption for navigating the stairs, one flight is about all he can manage, so he is sleeping in the guest room on the second floor instead of our room on the third. 

It also means I do all the lifting, shifting, toting and fetching – serving meals on a tray, etc., etc.  

The hard part is that the hardware they used to repair his knee seems to be shifting. He was just reaching the quasi walking stage (still using a walker, but at least weight bearing to a degree). Now, he is concerned he will have to go back for a second surgery – soon. Needless to say, it has been weighing heavily on him, and as a result, us.

I have laughingly shared that all of this is a great reminder to me about why I do what I do. 

In my last marriage, under these same circumstances, it would have been close to dish throwing time. Instead, I have been able to hold my own. 

But I also realized, thanks to the lovely daffodils, I have stoically tucked away the story about struggle, telling myself that no matter what I do, it will always be hard. 

That’s when I remembered something a client said to me recently. 

She had a crazy busy week and the only time she had to work in her session was at 4 am.  I was impressed. I love rising before the world in the dark silence, watching everything come to life. But that is predicated on being alone, in the silence, with my coffee, my thoughts and my writing.

When I raved about her discipline and diligence, she said, "if it’s important I make it happen. And this is important."

Wow... I was silenced for a moment.

It is why I love the work I do. I am inspired by the amazing women I work with. 

She is right. If it is really important to me, I find a way to get it done. 

As I remembered this beautiful woman’s face, her joy and her example, I spent about 30 minutes repairing and caring for the flowers that color my life so beautifully. 

And I changed my story about hardship.

You can too. 

It doesn’t matter what is going on around you as much as what is going on inside you. 

There are only two questions to ask yourself – 

What is important to me?

What do I tell myself about why I can’t have it?

We all need help rewriting our stories.

l will help you re-write the story that keeps you stuck, sad, angry or confused. 

Schedule your call.

KbH
Emotion, Emotion, Emotion
1.png

Emotion, emotion, emotion. Do you feel yours is “Too Much," ?

It’s true, science has declared that emotions drive our lives. So why do we feel we have to “control” or repress them? 

Because when we are stuck in hopelessness or confusion about what went wrong in our marriages, we get trapped in a mental prison playing the tape of our thoughts over and over until it is all we can see.

Have you ever felt that way? Like you had to stuff your feelings or they would overwhelm you?  If so, let me offer you some hope.

We are told all our lives to be “feminine and attractive” basically to feign damsel-in-distress until a Knight shows up to save us. After we marry, however, we are told our femininity, our emotions, our instincts, and our intuition are inferior to the masculine qualities of productivity, stoicism and physical strength. 

Even men are likewise trained to hide their need for love (or any other quality that might be considered feminine) at all costs.

And that, my fairest one, is pure “poo”. We need - and have- both sets of qualities and strengths. Neither is superior to the other. 

As a matter of fact, it is only when one “side” over-powers or outweighs the other that we get into trouble.

So, if we can accept that our emotions are the driving force behind the actions we take, how can we “manage” them without falling prey to them?

We become intimate with them, invite them in, get to know them, make them feel welcome.

And the best and most fun way to do that is to get back in touch with what lights us up - what makes us smile. Welcome the sun on our faces, not hide in shame that we are somehow defective or inferior.

If you are ready to be fully and completely whole – letting all of your qualities, strengths and emotions free - here is a link for a free 30-minute consultation. We will talk about how you can bring it all to the world and feel the exhilarating joy of sunny days!

KbH
Do You Ever Ask Yourself How You Got To This Place In Life?
2.png

Do you ever ask yourself how you got to this place in life?


I don’t know about you, but when I began to experience challenges in my marriage, I instinctively set out to “fix” it, the only way I knew how:

  • I tried to see things from “his perspective,” which only took me down the road of “pleasing”.

Have you ever done that- tried to conform to what “we imagine our husbands want us to be”?

Of course, that was futile because whatever I did, it was never “quite” enough, the bar kept getting raised until I was exhausted, frustrated and, let’s be honest - freaking emotional. Who wouldn’t be?

So then, of course, I did a 180, becoming angry and more assertive and maybe a tad demanding - a bit.

I was so focused on him and what I could do to get what I needed from him.  

I totally believed my husband had to change to make me happy. It gave him complete power over me. I was subject to his whims, his moods, his displeasures, his judgments of me and our marriage - it was one big ball of Poo I tell you.And, guess what? In his equally driven need for survival and independence he - chalked me off as just being “overly emotional,” “too demanding,” or “impossible to please”.Can you guess fairest one, what happened then? He felt he had been granted permission to ignore or dismiss me. 

And that is when “how the hell did I get here,” became a daily monologue.

I was so stuck in a vicious cycle- trying a variety of “new” ways every day to accomplish the same task, with no luck (surprise). Until I finally became hopeless. I thought I had tried everything under the sun.

That is when I wished 20 years of my life away and decided to just “willpower” my way through.

Did you know we actually have a limited supply of willpower? No, I’m not joking, it’s been scientifically proven.

Which is why all those terrible names we call ourselves when we can’t stick to our goals, plans, etc. - are just another way of beating ourselves up.

Want to know a better way?
Learning to question societal expectations and other’s opinions of us, even our own self-inflicted goals allows us the space to step back, to see how we feel, what WE think- before we claim labels or accept roles/boxes/judgments that don’t serve us.

And studies indicate that when we are motivated by our own passions, goals, and dreams our willpower is not as easily depleted.

Pssssttttt – wanna know a secret? To do either of those things we must rediscover US. 

As scary as that might seem, mentally letting let go of him, or it (our marriage) in favor of us, makes beautiful things happen. You will wonder why the h&*% you didn’t try that first.

Here’s a link for a free 30 min call, I can help you stop trying to muscle through your life and get excited about it instead.

KbH
Why We Fall Prey
3.png

Do you ever think to yourself, that if you didn’t have your kids to worry about, you would have left your marriage long ago?

Or, do you ever think back and wish you hadn’t had that maternal pull in the first place? (no, of course, you don’t regret your children. You love and adore them. But come on, have you ever thought that if it hadn’t been for the DESIRE to have a family, you might be in a totally different place right now? If so, keep reading.)

Ever heard about Dung Beetles? Yes, aptly named because they roll “poo” into balls (I know, lovely thought - but stick with me). 

Well, scientists study these mystical creatures for a variety of reasons - but one of the main ones was to determine how they manage to roll these enormous poo balls into almost perfect symmetrical shapes.

What they discovered is not only fascinating but helps explain the science behind our biological clock:  

The light and pull of the moon is what determines whether the “poo ball” is symmetrical or lopsided
I know you are excited to learn about that, but wait for it -- this is why it matters to us.

As it turns out, we too are highly affected by that same pull.

  • That “tick tock” in our “biological clock” comes from little protein molecules that regulate our circadian rhythms.

  • And our circadian rhythms are regulated by dark and light.

  • Want to know another secret? Men have a biological clock too - (so no, this was not made up by a woman desperate to have children - ha!)


In essence -  a massive group of nerve cells (neurons) called the suprachiasmatic nucleus - SCN for short (thank goodness), located in the hypothalamus of the brain, is influenced by input from our eyes, which in turn: 

  • Determines hormone release in our body (you know what that means).

  • Impacts our eating habits, digestion, and sleep patterns


All of this to say – it is not your fault you longed for marriage and family – blame it on the pull of the moon! Kidding, sort of.

The long and short of it is this, there were millions of tiny choices we made that created our world. At the time they seemed good, but now, maybe not so much. If you feel like those decisions have you drowning in poo the moon is probably not going to help you roll it up all nice and neat – but I can. 

WE ALL NEED HELP
I’m not an astro-theologian nor do I have wizard skills to align the moon’s pull on you.

But I have devoted the better part of my life learning how to roll poo into manageable balls.
It’s why I am here –


If you are tired of depending on circumstances, him or the moon for help, here is a link for a free 30 minute consultation. You can tell me all about the poo you are dealing with and I will tell you the best way to roll it all up.

KbH
Is Your Marriage "Fine"?
1.png

Is your marriage “fine”?

One of my favorite movies defined “fine,” as freaked out, insecure, neurotic and emotional. I love this definition. It is honest and real – which is not at all how we use the word.

Fine is what we say to people when they ask how we are and we don’t feel safe going into the long version. Would they really want to know? Or care? We wonder. We conclude the answer is no, so we hide behind the practiced smile and tell them we are fine.

Fine is what we say to our husbands when we have given up on communication, connection, and intimacy.

Fine is the armor we wear to block deeper conversation because we don’t want to admit we are anything but fine, especially to ourselves. Fine allows us to shut down, numb out, delude the world, or pretend for the sake of the kids. Fine is a fortress we can take shelter in. Fine is socially acceptable.

We say we are fine because pushing for real connection and joy might unbalance the system - so we cling to the world of fine.

I have had many an amazing client working so hard to convince ‘her beautiful self’ she was fine. She reasoned she and her husband didn’t fight. They shared friends, family and history, a social calendar and a bed – even though the passion left the bedroom some time ago.

All marriages have rough spots, right? They ask. I mean, no one is perfect. If we can just hang in there long enough, all will work out well.

This is what one client said to me, “I didn’t know what was missing. I just felt empty. You helped me turn my life around.”

Yes, marriage can be challenging. No, no one is perfect. But if you feel you are quietly and desperately hiding behind a fine existence –just know that you don’t have to.

There are so many ways you can write your fine self into a truly joyful life. You don’t have to settle, or leave.

If you would like to trade fine for joy, here’s a link for a free consultation.

KbH
What Do You Most Long To Hear?
2.png

Today I have been at my computer for hours.

My hope was to inspire you to lean in, stand tall and fight for yourself, invest your beautiful heart in you. 

But the words hover somewhere between stupid and boring. So, I’m just going to speak from my heart.

Sometimes doing the next thing, giving up on him and carving out time or energy, just for you, feels like it will create the separation you fear. Sometimes just thinking about focusing on you, not your husband or family feels like the scariest thing in the world. (Will it mean everything...your dream/life/relationship is over?)

We married because we believed it would bring us love and joy- and it can. But here’s what no one ever tells you: marriage was never designed to give us self-love or validate our self-worth. That is something, fairest one, only you can bring to the table.

What does that mean exactly?

Your husband will never master mindreading (and hey, really, aren’t we glad he won’t?). And even if you dig deep, risk vulnerability and tell him what you need in the plainest possible terms, it does not mean he will (or can) understand you.

Or that he will respond favorably.

Have you ever used a pressure cooker? If so, you know that all it takes to release the steam is to remove the small steam gauge on the lid.

Conversely, ever noticed what happens if you try to take the lid off a pressure cooker without removing the steam first? It isn’t pretty.

When we try to talk to our husbands about why we are so unhappy, because as women conversation is how we build relationships, it is sort of like trying to take the lid off a pressure cooker when you haven’t released the steam. Guys just aren’t wired to handle our emotional distress through confrontational conversation.

Taking the focus (your thoughts) off your husband and your marriage, however, is like letting all the steam out.

I am sorry to tell you lovely, but nothing we say or do can actually change anyone else, impact and influence, yes.

Change comes from within. But, it’s believing the lie, that if we just say it the right way, or are “________enough”, that he will change. Believing that convinces us that we should be more understanding, or learn how to say what we want “better.”

The simple truth is we are the only ones we can change. But there is magic when we do. And it spills out everywhere. When we are so in tune with ourselves we don’t look to our husbands or marriages to validate our worth, we become a powerful force for universal change.

If you have lost you in the pursuit of your relationship, take the pressure off.

Come back home.

Here’s a link to talk about how you do that. A free 30 minute, no obligation journey back to you.

KbH